please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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