Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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