I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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