not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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