By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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