ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
