So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
