never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
