i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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