She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
