he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
