Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize