i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
