i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
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