I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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