Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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