you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
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well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
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If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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