I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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