Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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