What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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