why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
