I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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