You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
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I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
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Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize