You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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