mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
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