he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
