the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
