I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
