if i can run in heels then i can drive
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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