I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
All I want is dick and wine.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
