Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
