if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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