Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
