I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
