Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.