There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.