Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂