reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
23 Struggles Kids These Days Will Never Know
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death