All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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