at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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