Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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