hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
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I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
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Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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