The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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