things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
