I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
