Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Randomize
