I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
