just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
