You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
