i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
