I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
