I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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