You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
