I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
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i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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