so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
