so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
