Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
