I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
