I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Randomize
